When I die

When I die

Turn me into ashes

Throw me in the sky

Free balloons with pieces of me

Let them go gracefully

You know I’ve always

Wished I could fly

If it all seems so sudden

You mustn’t wonder why

I looked up all suggestions

Every single one I’d try

Each time you asked

What’s wrong, I admit

At times I’d lie

I was only trying

To protect you

I didn’t want to be

The reason for which

You drowned in silent cries

I know you had an inkling

But you didn’t want to pry

I know you whispered

Of me but tried

Not to be a spy

Don’t look for me in heaven

Just cremate me

When I die

L.L.

A wine glass filled with cyanide

I was sitting there by candlelight

Wearing nothing but shame and lonely

I could never make her love me

The scent of fear and agony fill the room

My thoughts are racing

Just as bad as my heart

I know everything about you

Your favorite color is royal blue

You add extra sugar in your tea

You dream of sunflower fields

You wear your glasses only on Mondays

I know everything about you

You smell like caramel and feel like sunshine

You’re made with a wild heart

And the courage of a weaponless warrior

I know everything

I know you despise me, I know you hate me

I know you could never date me

And you haven’t even thought about me lately

You hate my kind, the overachieving sinner

The ultra wicked, the kind there’s a special hell for

There’s cyanide in my glass

To match the poison in my heart

A martyr for love

I hope this beautiful death

Doesn’t tear us forever apart

There’s cyanide in your glass

Enough

You ever do your best and it’s not

Enough ?

Tough shit, try harder, this is normal. I see you girl and you ain’t doin nothin. I mean you doin somethin but it’s just not

Enough.

I’m tryna be here for you. I’m being sincere. I’m being honest. I’m a little messed up in the head though so maybe I’m missing something. I’m really not sure. I probably don’t pay attention

Enough.

By the way I’m trying out this college thing as a last ditch effort. I don’t mind living in poverty, it’s kind of all I know. But see I have a kid now and I can’t chase my dreams like that and I can’t forfeit them either. I don’t know what I’m doing but my baby, she’s gotta have

Enough.

She actually deserves much more. Much more than I can give her. She’s better off with one of y’all. One of you stable folk. One of you wives with husbands and jobs and happiness and you know the sorts of things like patience. A bunch of all that because I already know you have

Enough.

I would say that I’m sorry to leave but I’m actually ecstatic. I get to have my questions answered about the after life and the higher power. Or I don’t, I’m not sure. At least if not, I won’t know. I won’t suffer. I’ll be at peace. Because at this point I’m sure I’ve suffered

Enough.

Still

Run.

Run 5000 miles through the snow with lead feet and blurred vision with hands tied behind your back as you gasp for air because it’s not as cold as you thought it would be and your sweater is too thick and you have on corduroy pants with cement bricks in your pockets as the blood pours from your nostrils and you carry the shame handed to you by the ones you love…

R U N !

Run.

Run directly into the eye of the tornado as the thunder and lightening barrel uncomfortably close at your heels until you reach the very center and feel the calm amidst the chaos as the breeze peels back the skin on your face and the debris just slightly misses your arteries but still every shard of glass, every branch, every needle and nail pierce your flesh as you beg for mercy…

R U N !

Run.

Run from yourself and watch your soul leave your body and your pupils dilate and your pulse weaken and your bowels empty and the rosy red evaporate from cheeks and your last escaping breath forms the words, “I love you,”…

R U N !

Run.

Run into the arms of love personified with your scratches, your bruises and your guilt and your devastation and the stench that parasitically clings to you and let the ocean that is your tears and your mothers tears and her mothers tears and the tears ever so present in this tattered realm, eloquently wash over you, cleansing you vigorously and trying arduously to restore your innocence by erasing your sins…

R U N !

Run.

Run through a field of sunflowers as the moon gently kisses your skin and you feel the dirt between your toes and with every stride, you become more and more unencumbered and serendipitous and you’ve never felt so free and so alive and run. Just run. Run until you reach the edge of the earth and let the sunrise guide you home until you’re …

S T I L L.

Stay still.

I renege

It’s hard to feel so empty

When all you want is love

Time and Time and Time again

You go beyond, above

Yes and yes and yes and yes

And yes, then one time no

Wow I can’t believe how fast

All those “I love you”‘s go

In real time the birds are chirping

The sun is slow to rise

I lie here in my bed, all red

With puffy, swollen eyes

I swore to god all my “friends”

Today’s will be the day

But when you sit at your babies foot

Things just don’t go that way

She slept so peaceful cute and pure

Her future I imagined

Without me there, oh fuck, the scare

The more I saw her world come crashin’

I start to unprepare

As much as I’d love to get relief

I have to live for she

And if suffer but she’s happy

That’s what it’ll have to be

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