Drums

As I sit here in the back of this rundown coffee house, in the middle of nowhere, alone, in my beat up white vans and dickies jumpsuit, I find that it’s the perfect time to rest my eyes. So I do just that. I close my eyes and listen to the drums. With every sound of hand hitting calfskin, I feel the beat of my heart eerily vibrating my eyelids. I try to fully relax every muscle and let every thought be fleeting.

‘I’m so disappointed in you,’ my mother says. Flush.

‘No one else will want your fat, ugly ass,’ my ex-boyfriend says. Flush.

‘How much weight are you gonna gain,’ my granny says. Flush.

‘Don’t help the customer if it means us losing even one penny,’ says my old boss. Flush.

‘He didn’t rape her, she wanted it,’ my brother says. Flush.

‘You’ll never get anywhere in life if you don’t try new foods,’ my stepfather says. Flush.

‘You should’ve thought about that before you did something stupid,’ says the hospital nurse. Flush.

‘I know you did it because little black girls are always trouble,’ my second-grade teacher says. Flush.

I keep flushing but they always come back. It’s like the pipes are in a circle and the new water draining back into the bowl of life’s toilet is littered with microscopic pieces of these memories that manifest themselves clearly every time I go to the bathroom. I’d do anything to escape them. I do anything to escape them.

Sex. Pills. Marijuana. Alcohol. Travel. Food. It’s all the same vice in the end. None of it works. Not ever. It slows down the recycling of these demons but never rids them completely.

What’s the point. What’s the point. What’s the point. It’s no longer a question. It’s been a question for years but now it’s just a profound revelation of all things to come. There is no point. And that’s the point. None of this matters. I don’t matter.

It wouldn’t matter if I ever opened my eyes again. My eyelids are still vibrating to the beat but I notice the beat is gone. Silence. Shall I open my eyes ?

CMN

You’ve rattled my bones and awakened my soul

Incited a fire beyond my control

In my heart, you’ll always roam

In your heart’s where I call home

What

My energy flows where the wild ones go

Amber lights down dark paths

Filling what was once hollow

My body shivers as I imagine

Finally stepping out of the shadows

Venturing into the unknown

Too curious not to follow

The Other L Word

I can finally breathe

I’m open and alive

Then you knock the wind out of me

Warm honey

Like a flower begging for a bee

Minds racing

But I can barely speak

All of me is yours

I’m in your control

If you go deep enough

You’ll feel my soul

Watch me unfold

It’s a wave washing over me

I’m a slave to you totally

Exciting and serene

But chaotic, it’s a dream

I can’t feel this way

It’s so foreign

I use to hate it

Now I love the rain pourin

The way you stare into my eyes

It’s so allurin

What if I told you

What if I told you the truth

It’s been a while since I’ve

Had this sweet tooth

And your power

It’s proof

I was made for you

Breathe me in

Let’s get high and higher

The waves

They always crash eventually

Can we float to shore

Together

Remember this ride

This high forever

She’s Coming

You have seen her before

Back then she was your friend

When you first met her

You both wore a grin

This time when comes

She is coming as a foe

What you did to change her

You don’t even know

She stood right in front of you

You hardly saw her face

Don’t you remember me ?

She says with grace

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